Heart Cancer

Incurable. He took away the glitter and left sawdust in my mouth – the man who always makes me want to write at 6 in the morning or cry at 12 in the afternoon.

He was supposed to be benign: every word he said, looks he gave, touch I felt – it all went to my heart.

Infectious. He had moved in my heart so many times that there are traces of him in each chamber, and as my heart pumps the blood throughout my body – he became my blood:

Touching every muscle, stretching every vein, even my eyes he entered and eventually, he infected my brain.

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What Now?

So it’s Christmas and I have nothing exciting to do this time around (not that I usually do). This is my second Christmas as a mother. Last year, my daughter wore her “Merry Christmas” onesie; she looked absolutely adorable. I remember propping her up on the pillows because she wasn’t sitting on her own yet. It was a good year – welcoming the birth of my child, becoming a mother, and I think sometimes I have it under control, but then  I realize I don’t and probably never will.

So…what now? I have a new job and once I got the routine of things down, it seems to be going well. Somehow, I still feel unfulfilled. I do what I’m supposed to do when I’m supposed to do it – practically autopilot living. Now, I realize it’s not enough. I can feel all this untapped potential brimming inside of me. I cannot, however, identify what it seeks to do.  Should I be writing again? Volunteer? What? What now?

The pressures of the society I exist in can be daunting at times because society would have you believe that unless you have accomplished certain things then you have not ‘made it’ quite yet. Yes, I want a car. Yes, I want to own my own home, furniture… but none of that compares to peace of mind. Being a mother has taught me so much, but the crux of it so far is I get little to no sleep. In fact, it’s amazing that I function at all! All you mothers know what I’m talking about. I find it so interesting that once I took on the role of “Mommy”, all my other roles before faded. I was a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend. And to my surprise ( and it’s only now I see this), all my other roles HAD faded. It’s only now that I’m resuming most of them.

And to be honest, my peace of mind has not been at its best. I am constantly back and forth with having to make decisions, sacrifices – because I’m no longer singular, I have to make choices that hopefully are right for both me and baby. Do I have to say it’s never easy? No, I guess not. I just find myself trying to be perfect for her, my baby Isabelle. So I’m asking ‘What now” because I realize or I’m realizing that I have to be doing more.

Right???

via Daily Prompt: Calling

The Job Hunt

Ambition desires great fortitude but laziness lingers.

Pass me the flask of gladiators so I can become Ambition’s friend:

Again, we’re on the job hunt again.

Last job left my earing impaired, now I listen for the danger everywhere I go.

Truth is, I seek to fulfill a part of me not yet born but yes, it’s on the horizon.

“Give me the job! I can do it – I swear.” (If only my employer knew how much  I sweared)

The Gleaner’s Classifieds are for classified applicants whose families own the business chains.

via Daily Prompt: Desire

Doubt and Fear

At first, it was a filament, as thin as wind, so I couldn’t see it but I felt it – came and went like a blink! But then I started tasting it too, an aftertaste – (you know – when you eat something that looks like it tasted good but after an hour of eating it, you taste how bad it is?) Yeah. This is like that.

So who knew Fear had a taste? Or even Doubt? I didn’t like the taste. I ignored it, time and time again, but still, fear and doubt wanted to be my friends, and trust me, you can’t have one without the other – They’re conjoined twins!

I didn’t want to see them so I blinded myself. But then I began to hear them too. Every now and again they would whisper “Something’s wrong with you.” I tried to deny them, but they pried and came in. They changed my whole wardrobe, made me feel naked from within. Nothing seemed right anymore and I had lost my voice. Seemed like everywhere I went there was just noise. Noise. NOISE!

A heartbeat later, fear and doubt were my only friends; I retreated so far inside myself – I only saw myself, feared myself, smelled myself. Everyone else was the enemy. everyone else hated me, berated me, stared at me. But, above all, no one really saw me. At least, that’s what fear and doubt told me…So now I had these balls of yarn in my throat called doubt and fear: it covered my eyes, it was in my ears and it left me tangled up in tears.

But…someone said “Peace be still.” This new voice gave me peace, and a warmth radiated all over my skin. I could move, see, laugh, sing – this voice told me I could do ANYTHING. unlike fear and doubt who were parasites, Peace became an IV that gave me my confidence back. I had resilience again. I had friends again. I loved ME again.

I took that big ball of yarn, dyed it and made a power suit out of it. I wear that suit everyday and it always smells brand new.

via Daily Prompt: Doubt

Giving birth to Izzy

So there I was – 16 hours of labour and still no baby! As I lied on the bed, I thought ‘This must be what death feels like’. I was about to text my mother to tell her my last goodbye because never before had any pain been so real and breathtaking for me. Literally breathtaking. I re-thought my decision. So I put down the phone.

Anyway, some minutes, or it could be hours later, I was in the delivery room. I had only one nurse with me. She told me to push. I did everything she told me to do, but when it seemed I was getting nowhere the nurse said: “Miss, I have other patients waiting. These things take 15 minutes!” She had the nerve to say that to me! This was my first child. I was in a world of pain! She wanted me to quicken the birthing process. To be honest, I wanted to quicken it myself, but I couldn’t help what was happening to me. Anyway, after a nasty episiotomy and a BIG push – Izzy came into the world.  Prompt: Quicken

STOP BLACKING ME OUT!!!

I wonder what black people ever did to receive the unspeakable treatment we get from time to time. To be killed because of the skin you wear; to be tortured, to be ridiculed, to be deprived, to be shunned, to be hung dry….because I AM BLACK????

So many people are in shock given the daily reports of blacks being killed all over America, but those people naively thought racism was dead and buried.. How could it be dead when the KKK still exists? How can it be dead when our black people decide to ‘tone’ their skin color? (Guess their blackness puts them in the shadow).

To say that I am greatly disheartened at the treatment of blacks is an utter understatement! Words have not yet been formed to express the joy that is ripped from me every time I hear that some black person is ill treated JUST…because they have black skin and black pride…and lest I forget – BLACK AMBITION!

Racism needs to stop. But who am I kidding? Racism is a mental state and unfortunately there seems to be no cure for that.

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Re-establishing Family Time

Do you value family time?

Ask yourself this: Do I value family time?

It’s interesting the things which unites us and the things which divide us. Ever since the advent of technology, social media, touch screen phones, tablets, laptops – there has been a sort of decline of family time. By this I mean, physically being together as one unit in the same place, could be living room, veranda – you name it! It’s a given, technology separates most of us from enjoying the simplicity of family time. By family time I mean watching TV together, going on family trips – talking to each other! Literally. I miss those moments where everyone gathers together to do something, could be praying, cooking, cleaning, just being together.

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Thankfully certain things still unite the family. In Jamaica, one such thing is sports! Don’t you just love to see Usain Bolt being a complete show off on your television? Or what about when Tessanne Chin entered The Voice! I know my family weren’t the only ones who were bunched together screaming for her. Then there are certain shows like Magnum Kings and Queens of Dancehall, Dancing Dynamites. The great thing about these TV shows and broadcasts is that it not only unites my family and your family, but it unites the nation.

Don’t get me wrong, I know with Apps such as Whats App, Skype, social media sites: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram (and all those other sites which I can’t seem to keep up with!) communication has skyrocketed! I can stay in China and video chat with someone in Grenada! And this is great! Right? But what about when your daughter or son gets home from school and immediately powers up the computer/laptop/tablet and completely ignores you?! Then a Whats App text comes in and they sit in their room or in the living room couch and laugh the time away…. Or you, the parent, you come home from work and go on Netflix to catch up on your favorite series. You neglect to check if your child has been completing homework. In fact, maybe your child is busy watching an X-rated series that they shouldn’t be watching. It happens. You know it.

Forgive me if I sound harsh, but I just like the old-fashioned family time, especially while you can still have them before everybody grows up and leaves. It’s a special memory your child isn’t likely to forget years to come. Truth is, we live with people we call family, simply because we are blood-related, but honestly, can you say you know them? Family time is important because you are forming a bond that ties you to another human being, in a good way of course.

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So the next time you get in off the road and you are about to check your social media for updates, who liked your picture and who didn’t; the next time you are about to run around the back to take a selfie or  send around a viral video that is just  too funny, just stop. If your mother is preparing a meal in the kitchen, if your father is reading the newspaper or fixing another broken appliance, if your daughter is locked up in her room, or your son has the music too loud again, just go to them, and ask how their day was. Or tell them about your day. Play a board game if you have to. Just get in some family time while you can.

Do it today.